It's life Jim, but not as we know it...

I've got a bum!!! Now I know that's a funny thing to say but you see, I've never had one! Well, not a nice rounded, juicy booty. I've always had a 'flat back' and a non-existent derriere!!! BUT all of a sudden I have an arch (hollow) in my back circa my waist area and a J-LO thing happening (slight exaggeration but you get my drift) in my nether regions! I'm very conscious of the arch in my back when I walk and sit too. I know I'm not imagining it as Dr. Vic has had a decko around the area and he agrees :-)

Maybe, just maybe this is the end result of all that hardware & wiring.

I am BORG - 'resistance is futile', assimilate, assimilate...

4 months and counting...

Apart from a belated and very romantic ;-) Valentine's lunch, it's been a quiet week. I'm exercising every single day and by that I don't just mean walking and basic core exercises, I mean either in the pool or doing the dreaded back circuits with the physios. It's hard bloody work and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't painful or very tiring... BUT it is very satisfying. As I said in an earlier post, my focus is 100% on me and Dr. Vic and our future - selfish I know, but it's how I'm going to get where I want to be. It's working too.

Torture at the hands of the "physical terrorists"!!!

Attended my first NHS 'Back & Core Conditioning' sesh today at the Rehabilitation Centre. First hour was a discussion on back and pain management - it was v.well done but wasn't of much value to me I'm afraid - beneficial to the 'new' spineys in the group though. What then followed was an hour of what can only be described as circuit training for the spine... 3 minutes on each of the following: bikes, steppers, wobble boards, trampolines, weight pulleys, fitballs, theraband and abdominals.  My anxiety/panic levels rose the moment the physios started explaining the circuit. I was well out of my comfort zone and just a little bit panicky. The circuit was extremely challenging.  It soon became clear that whilst my core stability is A1, the same can't be said about weight bearing/carrying, bikes & steppers.

Burst into tears in the car - can't explain why really... Panic release? Shock at how difficult it had been? Relief it was over? Rise in pain and worry about tomorrow? Realisation that I still have a long way to go? Who knows. 

Oh well, at least I'll know what to expect next week.

Having a wobble...

Apologies for the radio silence these past 12 days. Head's not been in a good place. Been feeling low, I guess things have just got on top of me...

The pain I experienced a few weeks ago frightened the living daylights out of me, I really thought I had done some damage to the hardware or un-done the operation. It's made me fearful of it happening again. On top of that I continue to experience problems with my hips and hair loss. I know none of this is the end of the world AND worse things in life happen but it's just so bloody depressing - it's taking its toll. Twice past, I have suffered from severe depression where I have taken anti-depressants and undergone counselling in order to come out the other side. This time, I am NOT going there... I'm acknowledging the early signs and going into lock-down mode - being "healthily selfish" (as my favourite counselling tutor used to say) - until such time as my bod and head are back on track.

Thank goodness I've got Dr. Vic as he instinctively 'gets it'. Only he could think of buying me a bright pink pair of suede heels for Valentines with a note saying, The future is bright! - making me laugh and cry simultaneously... He truly is one special & thoughtful individual!

Won't be going there again!

Well, I think it's fair to say that the last 10 days are ones I don't want to repeat in a hurry! Turned the corner on the searing 'new' pain - still not so clever in the middle of the night or first thing but sooooo much better than it was. Weirdest thing now is that I'm getting pain predominantly after sleeping on my back, I'm fine when I use the 'Borg Barrier' - which is the opposite of how it was immediately following the op. Strangely, one of my spiney friends is experiencing the same problem, she is just 2 weeks behind me in recovery!

Blood tests came back negative, thank God - no infection or inflammation. So, like me, my GP concluded today that I had just overdone it. Went straight to the pool afterwards - first time in a fortnight - did not go mad (doh!) - did just under 30 mins exercise and then had a sauna! It felt so good to be controlling my back again and not IT controlling me!!!

Lesson for this week is... to listen to my body more and heed its limitations!

It had to happen...

This blog has been a life-saver for me - it has given me something to focus on during my recovery and it's been cathartic. Your wonderful, uplifting, caring, supportive and funny comments have helped me through some rough days, for which I am indebted, thank you. It has allowed me to stay in contact with family and friends when I often have not wanted conversation or company. It has put me in contact with 16 'spineys' to-date, and as a result I'm lucky to have made some wonderful new friends. If along the way I have informed, helped you make a decision regarding surgery/meds/exercise, made you realise you're not alone (and don't have to be), made you laugh or just helped you wile away a few minutes then I have achieved what I set out to do!

But I guess it was inevitable, what with this being the www. and all, that this blog would attract the attention of the not-so-nice element of our society. We all have our names for them - ill-informed, know-alls, disbelievers, superior (they think), negative, bitter, spiteful, mean, jealous... I could go on.  And it is because of one such individual that I have had to make a change to the way that your comments are handled. In future, comments will NOT appear immediately - I'm sorry - but it has become necessary for me to vet them before they appear, which I will try to do daily.

So to Anonymous (of 31.1.09 19:06 hrs) - if you don't believe or like what you read on this blog - do me a favour - take your tricky comments elsewhere, go and be hurtful to someone else!

To friends and family who may be shocked by the quite venomous comment I felt compelled to write yesterday in response to Anonymous, I'm sorry if I disappoint you. But kick a good dog when it's down and one day it might just bite back...