Contemplating 'normality'...

What exactly is 'normal'? Bet it's different for each and every one of us. For me, 2009 normal is way different from 2008 normal (by virtue of my op) and prior that I had a massive change to normal in 2004!!! 30 April 2004 to be precise. That's the day my back, and subsequently my whole life, went tit's up!

Been thinking (for that read, worrying) loads about the future. As I write tonight, it's an unknown...

Let me share something with you... my darling mum had TB in her spine at 12 years old, it was left untreated (in those days it was considered a lung complaint only) and as a consequence over the years her spine collapsed, unevenly fused and became disfigured. Doctors could not believe that she was not in a chair!  So for as long as I remember she suffered terribly with crippling back pain. But equally for as long as I remember, she was the life and soul of the party; she wore the highest heels Selfridges could provide and boy could she dance in them! Never mind that she'd be laid up in bed for days afterwards... She NEVER gave in to her disability or her pain. In a final and cruel twist of fate 3 years ago, my lovely mum was diagnosed with cancer - one of the largest tumours being in her spine at L4. The pain she was in could not be assuaged by drugs, even high-dosage on-the-pump morphine could only provide temporary relief from the horrific pain in her lumbar spine. Every position and every movement was hell... She didn't complain and showed no fear - I know that was for our sake, so as not to frighten us. Her suffering and death has scarred me, it haunts me. And I know, it will NEVER leave me. 

My mum is quite simply my inspiration and the bravest, kindest, so full-of-life person I will ever have the honour of knowing. I miss her so much...  I know she would have supported me 100% in my decision to undergo Dynesys. I've have been given a chance she never had - and whilst she would have been scared for me undergoing such an operation, she would have encouraged me to go for it! Operating was never an option for her as her spine was way past help, even before the cancer.

I guess now you may understand why my thoughts have turned to the future. My mum had no chance, but I have... I've got to make this work for me. I don't know what the future holds for me (and looking at my family history it scares the life out of me) but whatever it is, I promise I will make the best of it, for my sake and for mum's. Love you Muv, watch over me and flap those BIG wings now and again to let me know you're around xxxxx