Wills...

Well, I've just finished updating my will. I know I sound like a drama-queen, but having this surgery has really focussed my mind. Besides, it's well overdue - it hasn't been updated for 8 years and since then a lot's happened: got remarried, mum died, bruv had 3 kids, welcomed 2 step-daughters, stopped working and moved house twice!

I've also booked a place at my Graduation ceremony - paid for the tickets and robes in the hope that I might be well enough to go; I've so looked forward to the day and I'll be absolutely gutted if I can't attend. You know, doing the Certificate in Counselling these past 3 years has been a lifeline, an emotional saviour, during what I can only describe as dark days.

Before the course, I was definitely losing it. I'd gone from busy career girl to ... well, nothing. I didn't realise how much my career defined me as a person - how important it was to have the position, the salary, the social life in London. I suddenly felt utterly worthless. Boring. Dependant. Ugly. Fat. I felt a 100 years old, not 40. My brain was going to mush (the drugs I was taking played their part too). I felt I had nothing of value to say. Some mornings I could easily have thrown myself out of the bedroom window such was the pain / lack of sleep. The depression hit me like a tidal wave and boy, did I feel sorry for myself. I mean, how much physio can you do when you're in excruciating pain? How many books can you read in a week? If it wasn't for my hubby and Amitriptyline, I would certainly have gone under.

I was angry too and jealous. Why had this happened to me? How come friends were still working, travelling, drinking, socialising and generally living life to the full and I wasn't? Where was that in God's plan???

I had to do something, I had to take control and bring new focus to my life. I had to find something that would kill the endless monotony of idle time. That something turned out to be the Certificate in Counselling.