5 weeks on.... overwhelming feelings

This past week has been OK - still experiencing various problems with my right leg and still on 16 tablets a day BUT I am improving! I know if I sit for too long that I will experience lots of pain in the right leg above the knee and if I walk too much, then it will play me up below the knee... The top of the leg has been hurting me now for 2 days but I'm hoping that some exercise a bit later tonight will 'free' up the nerve(s) that are acting up. Biggest problem still is constipation caused by the morphine & codeine based pills - Dr Vic's expectant face followed by "Anything?" every time I leave the loo just makes me laugh out loud - bless him!

Funny thing started to happen to me this week - and it may be because I can now concentrate on other stuff - and that has been the wave of feelings, good and bad, that have come over me. On the odd occasion that I've been out in the car I've been worried that Dr Vic is going to drive into the back of someone or someone is going to crash into us and jolt my back. I'm worried with the winter coming about falling over. Worried to wear any other shoes than the bright green Crocs that have been a feature of my feet for the past 5 weeks - they're non-slip, light, shock-absorbent and SAFE! I'm panicking about travelling by plane again! I'm not normally an anxious person but I seem to be worried about lots of stuff now.

I've also been feeling a lot of anger and sadness about the last 5 years. Anger about the many times I've had to justify to non-believers that I had a back problem or was in pain. If I had a pound for every time someone said I didn't look like someone with a bad back or walk like a typical back sufferer then I would be a rich person. We don't all walk around doubled over in sack-cloth and ashes ringing a bell, "unclean, unclean, oh woe is me"!! Some of us just get on with it... The sadness I feel is for my "old life" - my career, London, social life, skiing, gym, having a good drink! Most of all, spontaneity - the freedom to do anything without really thinking about it too much. I have lost count of the number of holidays and social engagements that I have had to cancel or miss. Sadness that whilst I thankfully have some very loyal and caring friends, others have fallen by the wayside. Why? For some it was distance, others unreliability (mine) and for others I guess they identified with the "old Kelly" - the 'game-on girlie' who was up for pretty much anything - they wanted that girl back! She's gone, went a long time ago... I'm still the same person inside but I have to live my life differently now. Out of necessity, enforcement even, I have a different focus. And whilst I may have a disability, I've still got a life, and a bloody good one at that! it might have taken me a damn long time to accept and get used to that idea (and I did have quite prolonged bouts of depression along the way) but you know what, I like my life now. I've come to accept the new me but who knows what the next 12 months will bring? A NEW new me maybe???? Bring it on, I'm ready...